3. I can’t get angry with her for too long when I’m in person with her. Right now, we’re at this funeral parlour hanging out while everyone rushes around doing stuff. Her back is pressed against my forearm as she gestures about something to her mum and its a comfortable feeling. Now, she’s reaching over and tweaking my ear just for the fun of it. Little rascal.
On Day 1, I told her that I loved her. And I was just a little hesitant to say it. I’ve blogged about this before, saying that I could pick out examples of love from a mile away but I need a personal definition before I said it to anyone. Why? I don’t know. But it felt good to tell her that I loved her. For all the times I’ve replaced the term “love” for “miss” as in “I miss you” instead of “I love you”, it didn’t quite have the same ring to it. So yeah. Maybe I do love her after all.
I’ve tried dissecting the relationship as much as possible but up to now, the discussions have yet to turn up anything particularly fruitful. Current autopsies with the Sociologist turns up ideas such as “our relationship is more of adoration” and “a very innocent, fresh-faced relationship.” That doesn’t quite provide the conclusion I was after but then again, I’m not particularly sure WHAT conclusion I’m looking for in the first place.
Probably a lot of it depends on just letting things be, going along with the flow. A friend of mine once told me, “Only dead fish go with the flow.” I’ve come to an agreement that instead of just “floating along” and encountering whatever comes up, I’ll want to guide this relationship along with the flow. I’m not just floating. I’m guiding.
***
2015hrs
The immediate Goh family and I have decided to come back the house after having been at the funeral parlour since around 1pm this afternoon. We had an early dinner where we satisfied our cravings for meat (according to tradition, when a family member dies, you’ve gotta go vegetarian for the ENTIRE day) and then headed back for the evening portion. At around 1930hrs, I was already feeling the effects of the day on me. Eyes starting to droop, the mind wanders and during the evening prayer chant, the melody can certainly lull you to sleep. We took a quick nap for a bit at home before starting our midnight run.
0000hrs.
We’re doing the midnight/graveyard shift until morning. Pun intended. I’m still trying to make Michelle wake up but sleep inertia has definitely gotten a hold of her now. She looks positively stoned and so flipping cute.
0400hrs.
We’ve just come back from the graveyard shift. Michelle has long surrendered to the loving arms of Morpheus while I had porridge, assorted veges and condiments (all courtesy of the vegetarian diet we were supposed to have adhered to due the death), several handfuls of sunflower seeds and a lengthy and intense cross-examination by an uncle that I’m sure meant well and especially with a several cans of Heineken involved, was meant to be a joke and a bit of a tease. That was the ideal. The reality, however, bordered on the uncomfortable, awkward and downright nasty.
Questions ranged from “What is going to happen to my niece (Michelle) when you are in KL?” to “Where are you staying in KL?” (with a subtle but strong focus on “Are you sleeping with my niece?” but that was not mentioned) to “Are you going to bring her over to NZ? If you love her enough, you will.” I felt like Ben Stiller’s character, Gay Focker in Meet the Parents where he underwent a lie decector test.
Again, I’m sure he meant well. He said all this with mostly a smile on his face and I took it in the same spirit, teasing and laughing. But the undertones were serious, accusing and worst of all, Michelle’s parents were listening through the entire thing. They listened through all my answers, stumbling or otherwise, and heck knows what they were thinking. Or analysing.
Then again, I’m not sure I want to know the answers.
0850hrs.
I’ve showered, had breakfast and we’re back at the funeral parlour.
Today, Michelle and I are hopping on a bus to KCH and then a plane in the evening to KL – I’m glad for this.
Why?
I’m glad because I’ll get some time to spend with her. Her and just her alone. The last few days were chaotic enough and with Michelle completely rushed off her feet, it makes things interesting as I had to deal with everything else in between. I’m not blaming it on anyone, its just that again, its interesting being the odd one out at a family gathering. I’m usually the one blending in. Oh well. There’s always a first time, I guess.
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