Crossroads.

I stand in the middle of one of those crossroads, a decision to make in life as to what is going to happen next, as to what is going to me, as to make the choice about where I want to go.

And I'm lost.

I'm so lost it's not funny anymore. There's been moments of tears and frustration, moments of hate and anger, moments of feeling lost in a world that's way too big for me to handle. I would like to cuddle up and disappear but that's not the way to do things. Oh, no way.

And I don't know where to go. Where to turn. I keep marching on ahead, to a requiem's deathly music, and I'm lost. I'm not sure if I'm going to get out alive. Or at all.

*****

I've been reading good blogs lately. 

You know how sometimes, you read blogs that make you wish that you could write like that? You wish you could get into that person's head and just spill all the wonders of the universe out onto a page or onto a browser window and you wished that everytime your fingers touched keys, your words were heaven-sent/inspired. If only.

Instead, you get stuck with the crumbs that fall out when you decide to finally clean your toaster after a year. And the bonus is where you find a fried lizard as well. Imagine that with your morning sunny side ups. 

*****

I've been having a rough time with the dance crowd. 

It didn't start off that way. But a harsh word, a possibly misconstrued sentence, and that was it. Done. I've kept my silence for about a week now, not wanting to say anything or do anything necessary for the group. I've got my friends and people there that I still miss and I'd love to go back there a bit more often but to actually claim that I am a dedicated crew member? Unfortunately...no. It's harsh when you end up throwing in the financial gauntlet in a stupid argument but honestly, my time is worth a lot more than that. 

I possibly take things too seriously, especially when it comes down to dancing. Have me on your side and I'll slave for you. Literally. My time, my worth, my all, danced out on the dance floor. Whenever I seriously dance (no rolling eyeballs, no half-assed dancing), there's no holds barred. It's a full on chain of emotions that I end up, gasping for breath, my dance partner pressed to my chest, we're both giddy from multiple spins, and it's all I can do from collapsing whilst ending with a seducer. A dance like that deserves respect and knowing how rarely a good dance happens for me, when I experience it, I pay homage. It's possibly happened twice this year out of the 8 months that I've been dancing here in Merlion City but to be honest, I miss a good dance. 

I really do. 

I've had amazing dances with the Sociologist. The Redhead. The DanceEngineer. The AspiringPerfumer.  All these dancers have pushed me beyond my limits and made me so much better than what I used to be. And with all these people, I have had those moments where if I had an unknown brain aneurysm and it was to have burst at that very second, I would have died happy because I had gotten the dance I wanted. For that few minutes, I lived life the way I wanted it to be lived.

I finally lived life the way I wanted it to be lived.

*****

Life just keep dragging on. And I keep feeling like I'm left on the brink. 

*****

It's been such a long time
And I really do miss your smile