Don't look back.

I caved in again today. I let the negativity get the better of me and I left part of my soul on Facebook again. I wonder whether it is due to the whole mob psychology thing that I did it. You know, let everyone know how you feel. Look for that sympathy. Look for the number notifications that someone liked your status or that someone commented.

What IS the point then?

Do you see the fire die in my eyes today? As you were talking to me, did you notice that I really could not give a damn anymore? Could you see that as I got to work everyday, I did only what I needed to do and nothing more than that? I don't ask for much, I don't ask for more. Should I actually ask for more? I don't think so. Sometimes, it's easier NOT to commit when you know that there is no reason to.

I've had various people talk to me on this issue and I don't exactly feel like I get anywhere. The same topic keeps revolving the exact same way and I don't get anywhere apart from ending up in the same frustrated state that I usually start off with.

But did you see? Yes, I am talking to you. Did you see? Did you see how a part of me died when you were talking? Did you see how when you tried to make me see your point, I pretty much threw up in my mouth a little bit? You're happy, I can see that. It probably doesn't take you much to be happy. And you're being nice, I understand. You tell me to ask for your assistance when I need a hand. But I don't want your assistance. I want to be left alone. I don't want to have to bother to be nice and understanding and nodding my head trying to make you understand that I care about your pain and that I want to fulfil your WIIFM.

I sometimes wonder why I chose to enter into this particular field of healthcare. Maybe being a doctor would have suited me better. That said, I probably would have had to spend a lot more time trying to study and make it seem as though I care about patients (again?!?!) But I guess it would save the whole "Oh, I wished you studied a little harder, Poet" discussion.

Give me 10 years. 10 years of my life back. Sometimes, I feel that I have wasted 10 years of my life. It would have been a different me that stepped out at the age of 27.

Now, I've got to try and make amends so that I'm not quoting this line again when I am 10 years older.