Quiet.

Its quiet now.

And as a person, I don't think I'll ever be able to physically change that.

I just realised, and maybe its been in me all along, that first and foremost, I enjoy my solitude to a fault. Probably a big fault but I guess that's for you all to decide rather than me.

Today, in the midst of the afternoon, in a tempest of emotions, I grabbed my messenger bag and jumped on the first bus that rolled towards my general direction.

I did not need to talk to anyone. No one asked of me anything. Everyone was too caught up in their own worlds. I would like to think that we were all stormy adventurers, heading out into the unknown, because we can. Because we were able to. Because our world was not right and we had to solve the injustice, the insecurities, the inept-ness, the stupidity of it all in the best way that we could.

Scattered memories dashed on the concrete floor

Too many reminders to try and win this war

Twisted realities crashing down from the sky

Heavy rain blurs the obscurities in my eyes

Try and stop me. I dare you.

Back here.

I've been back in the Land of the Long White Cloud for a few days now and again, it doesn't seem like much has changed. Everything seems to stay oddly stagnant in this town apart from what people that have remained are telling me.

From what I have heard so much of in the past year, nothing has happened. Good ole Dunners survived the Rugby World Cup (and won it too!) with not a sign of a hitch. No changes, no disturbances. Everything still remains the same.

All the shopping malls, all the sights, all the old haunts, still the same. Maybe slightly more tired, more weary. The weather has been absolutely atrocious, making me long desperately for some hot Merlion City weather. Heat and humidity any day, darling. Any day at all.

The family is all right. Brother seems to grow up another inch or so, the sisters are in new relationships, the Higher Authorities just the same. Friends that have chosen to remain here tell me of new achievements in their professional careers, new plans to embark on, new things in their lives.

Gosh, I always find it so scary that people's lives actually continue and that I can completely lose sight of it.

A lot of talk in the family recently has been along the lines of what is going to be happening next in future regarding careers, whatnot. Everyone seems to have a plan of sorts under their belt. Whereas for me...I still find I'm lingering on the water's edge rather than jumping in.

Truth be told, I have no real plans at all. Apart from staying at the company and continuing to sell shoes for them, I'm not sure what is going to be happening next. I don't really wish to continue this line of study if I can avoid it. I'll definitely be keen to look at doing some way or form of business if I ever get the chance. But other than that, I guess its just same old, really.

A friend once told me that I have no aim in life. And now, after typing that sentence, I wonder if she was a friend. Hm.

But to be fair, after coming back here and seeing everything as it is, I think I know quite certainly that I do not want to come back and live here. Not voluntarily, anyway. This city feels like a city of the left behind, of stagnation, as bad as it sounds. Maybe others don't see it that way.

But for me, this place reminds me more of things I would rather not remember and things I would be more than happy to leave behind.

Guess I'm still trying to find that certain happy place out there. Wherever that is.

Dare.

Dare to be you

Dare to be me

Dare to be whatever you wanted to be

Dare to be brave

Dare to be strong

Dare to be more than just another tag-along

'Cos this life ain't worth it

Living no dreams

If living only meant giving up your schemes

Then thank you but not thanks

I'll be more than happy climbing the banks

Of life that seem so steep and slipp'ry

Fight for your rights until your face is all bloody

Find the quiet deep within

Try to find the silence from within the din

What do you see

When you look at this face?

Do I even look like a part of the human race?

Am I just a copycat

Playing the lies

Do you see a soul behind these empty eyes?

I fight for more than just the basics

Don't gimme no more, you're makin' my head sick

Just breathe, just breathe, until you find that you're ready

Then jump back in line, there is no rest for the weary

Until you look up and find its gone -

Its gone.

For the Applause

A friend once told me, "You only do this for the approval of everyone around you."

And I agree.

I'm the kind of person who, perhaps, has so little security in himself that I have to seek the approval of others just to get validation. To get the thumbs up, the nod, the gold stars from Teacher.

But, I mean, what's wrong with that? What's wrong with wanting approval? The whole world works on that principle. I guess it boils down to whether you're just looking for acceptance or something else.

For me, I look for that approval because I want my work to be recognised. I want to know that what I'm doing is good, is okay, in fact, its great.

Maybe I'm just being a real big crybaby right now, wanting everything acknowledged and all but you know, in the end, what does it matter if no one ever sees what you have done?

I think its probably a universal fear that when we die, we end up not leaving a mark on this world. That we fade away and soon after, we are only memories and tokens in someone's mind. We cease to exist, along with everything else. True? But isn't this vanity, won't you say? "You're so vain..you think this song is all about you"

It is.

But vanity...is vanity. All is vanity.

Sigh.

Testing.

Typing this on the 'Blogaway' app that I just downloaded off the Android Market.

Currently doing without a laptop sucks eggs but if this works, then the Poet has now gone mobile. Mwahahaha.

Obligatory picture as above.