Feel fear.

In a conversation with Sociologist the other night, she had hoped for me that I would find something that I truly truly want.

 

And today, as this little monologue in my brain lingers for that little bit longer, I find myself a hypocrite.

 

Everyone I've talked to recently, of those who have picked up their hearts and their minds and have made a conscious decision to leave this place but yet come to me wringing their hands and worrying away, I send them off with strong, encouraging words. I spur them on, promising them great things in their future, of opportunities and laughs and dreams beyond their wildest imaginations. Words to soothe, to brush their little tears and concerns over, to give them a pat on the back and tell them that "its okay" to worry but to go for their dreams. Its right there in their reach. They need to. They HAVE to. They MUST.

 

But yet...when it comes to me.

 

I'm still here.

I'm still stuck in this deityforsaken town, doing a job I despise, longing for a girl 10,000km away, and everyday, I come home to an empty house and a messy room to sit at my computer and rot.

 

I've got dance tonight so maybe things aren't so bad, after all. And I must honestly say, I really enjoy working the weekends. Its quiet, I can do whatever I like, and when I'm done for the day, the quiet of the afternoon greets me like a hug around my waist.

 

There's gotta be that something that can turn me from this hypocrite. To something else. Everyone tells me, "Find a job. You can't leave your current one without it!" but yet, an irrational but probably a more truthful side of me whispers, "Its okay. You'll get there."

 

I've lived life rough in the past. I know what its like. And I think if I'm to handle that, I'm pretty sure I can. I can pull it off. No biggie.

 

The spontaneity of the last two weeks rocked my world. I could suddenly see a life beyond mine. Another reality. As if I've stepped into some sort of time portal and I'm suddenly in this parallel universe where I am so happy. I AM so happy. I have not laughed, giggled, smiled, or enjoyed myself so much in 2 weeks and yet, I'm suddenly here. In this town. This island. This country. And the last two weeks seem to melt away like ice cream on a hot, blustery day. Its like a dream. I can't believe that on Monday last week, my girl and I were doing a little bachata in the rain as a live band played for us and mischieviously announced over the PA system, "People dancing!" and "Bachata!"

 

A dream come true.

 

And now, I'm here, getting people out of bed and stretching taut muscles for a 29 year old stroke patient.

 

Le sigh.

 

Anyways, duty calls.