Fantasy.

Listening to: Not Supposed to Hurt - Sulyn Ooi


I took a smoke to remember your taste in my mouth
It takes me back to an ocean where I'm content to drown in you
Gone too soon
Miss it more than I should


Relationships. Huh.


Nothing's said but its clear from the start
We don't expect too much
We talked instead of your love for stars and how seven is my least favourite time of the day
Gone too soon
Miss it more than I should


The words speak of a different sort of love. One that perhaps shouldn't last. Oh, how we've been there. How we know that somehow, it wasn't supposed to last. It wasn't supposed to have such an impact and yet, somehow, when its all over, we're surprised at how much it actually cuts.

Its not supposed to hurt (x2)
You came and supposed to leave not a trace
Yet I'm haunted by your smile and your hand on my face
Its not supposed to hurt (x3)
So why
Do I feel empty inside?

I can sympathise.

I hung out with the Sociologist and her beau this afternoon on a beautiful Wellington waterfront and I smiled to see how happy they both were with each other. And under the surface, there's always that slight fear. That slight apprehension which would probably be the better word to use. Its wondering about whether you really should give your heart to said person. Are you ready to offer it up again for hurt or pain or the sacrifice of your emotions? After everything that's been said and done, are you willing to do it all over again? Really? Really?

We second-guess ourselves too many times. And sometimes, after all that guessing, we finally realise what we've lost.


The Sociologist brought up the point that at one stage, relationships used to be viewed as fluffy, Christian-like in nature. You pray for the relationship, it revolves around church, you get married, you have kids, you grow old together, you die. So pink and fluffy like little innocent angels.


But the more cynical side of me has seen way past all that. Relationships aren't like that. They aren't like that at all. Sure, we might want it to be like that. Who wouldn't dream of a fairytale relationship? Right?

But it isn't. And when I spoke to the Sociologist  about these thoughts, a very interestingly phrased sentence came to mind. I have no idea why it came out this way but this was what I thought.

I could not see relationships that way. I needed my soul to be stained.

Now why it came out like that, Heaven knows.

But relationships are nitty-gritty stuff. Like dirt that gets under your fingernails. Like long distance phone calls and clinging to your cell waiting for the next sms to come through. Like lying on a pillow and smelling their scent linger in the air and crying. Like walking around places where you used to walk with him/her and missing them tremendously. Like shaving your head after a breakup because you wanted to look tougher than you feel. Like blogging after losing a friend. Like counting days before you meet. Like happiness when you hold hands and walk down the street and smile to each other. Like stupid little things that only the two of you understand. Like trying to adapt to a family life, kids, discipline, showing love and care and reading a storybook to a little girl that is not even my own. Its not all fun and games. Its a lot of hard work and pain and regret and tough love. Tough love. Not quite sweet, Valentine's Day love. Tough love that endures and holds on and bites the rope for just that little bit longer to withstand the pain.

Miss it more than I should
I don't wish to stay
Just not quite ready to be on my way...

I'm not particularly a sucker for romance, anymore. I think somehow, somewhere along the line, it dropped out of my pocket and I'm still trying to look. But as cliche and as boring and as cheesy as this sounds...


Baby, I'm coming back for you. I won't forget you.