Job-LESS

Confidence comes not from always being right but from not fearing to be wrong.

 

There are times when I think that I'm okay. There are times that I think that I will be right, that I'm excited, I'm looking forward to what is going to happen next.

This doesn't happen very often.

 

I'm usually the sideline cheerleader for my friends who sometimes come to me for advice or reassurance. I'm the one standing there, waving my *imaginary* pom poms and telling them that the risk is worth it, that everything that they hope for and wish for will become a reality, that no matter what, their present situation is not and never going to be worse than what they are in now. And even if it ends up being worse, what's the worst that can happen?

 

However, for myself, I end up cringing. And I've felt fear. I've pondered about what might happen if I could not find something to do. I've always played it safe. Never the daredevil, me. As much as claimed myself to be. I'm always the one person who plays it safe. Because everytime I tell myself that I'm going to step out and face it, I end up falling on my face in dirt and I run back to the hole of my existence licking my wounds. I worry about the lack of money, the lack of a job, the complications involved in finding a new job, where and how and what and who and when, what's going to happen to me.  

 

As of today, I had thought that I was going to look at leaving my job for good due to certain factors that came up a bit sooner than I thought. I had a discussion with the Higher Authorities last night over the phone and they seemed rather keen on the idea although they did ask me to think seriously about where I was to be headed to next.

 

And you know when you get one of those discussions that ends up crushing your adventurous spirit? Yeah. I had one of those today.

 

Suddenly, its not even about stepping out and seeing how things would go.

 

No.

 

In the conversation included the ideas of how difficult it would be to find a job without having a current one, how long I would be unemployed for, how much money I had (or didn't have), how I would attempt to sustain my dancing addiction (as in I would run myself broke through dancing without a career), etc.

 

Huh.

 

I once glanced through the book about "The 5 Love Languages" and how it talks about how certain people expresses their love or a thought in a way that they would expect it to be expressed to them. I'm using this point, however, to demonstrate the point that because I'm usually encouraging to people to go for something they want, I perhaps expect to get it back in return. And when I don't, I think I get a bit bummed out about it. 

Or maybe the word bummed out isn't quite accurate to describe how flipping upset I was. 

 

A lot of truth was brought up in that conversation which was probably exactly what I needed to hear. And I knew that the truth would probably hurt. I just wasn't quite expecting how much.

 

So after all of this, I might not be leaving as soon as I thought. And even better, I might stay here for Christmas. Just because I'm afraid of being fricking poor.

 

Who knows, eh? I might be here for good. Might as well get used to the idea now rather than later.