Soul Searching

Click picture to enlarge.

I was going to write this post on the New Year's Eve but after an incredibly fun board game and a trip down to the town centre to admire the fireworks during the countdown, it has ended up becoming a New Year's Day post.

So what can I say? 

2010 was a tumultous year. 

I officially got together with the French Lady, and then work officially sucks eggs. 

It got to a point where I would lie in bed every morning when my alarm went off, staring at the wardrobe by my bed, wondering whether I felt sick enough to call in sick that morning. And I would drag myself out of bed, and drink wayyy too much coffee for my own good before attempting to make work "work" for the day. I would sit and clutch my head on occasion, wondering how the hell I got myself into this position with a sucky boss who was incredibly prejudiced towards the way I worked.

The French Lady was the only reason I even bothered to stay in that godforsaken place. I would look forward to weekends with her, weeknights with her, dragging her out to salsa events and salsa classes, holding her close with a bachata and she would chide me gently for biting my lip because I was busy trying to figure out the next step.

And then the relationship ended and I lost my reason to stay. I wanted to leave. So badly. I would scour for jobs on the Internet, on physiotherapy websites, in magazines, anywhere that offered me even a remote chance of leaving. I had a rather promising interview with a hospital back in the city where I was studying as a student but that fell through rather quickly. How did I handle the rejection? I felt a bit upset that I was turned down but life continued. 

And then dance, or rather salsa, became my reason to stay. I started teaching and I loved it. I loved the ups and the downs and the little joys that I felt in my heart whenever someone got the right move or when I saw moves that I was teaching being done in public or on the social floor. I continued pursuing my own dancing dreams and ended up falling deeply in love with the other latin dances, merengue and bachata. To imagine my life now without those dances would be nigh impossible. Merengue would wake me up in the mornings while bachatas were for quiet, lazy afternoons or midnight dances. Quiet. Slow. Done slowly. Subtly. Hip movements. A slow sway. A smile. 

Work remained quite the same, continuing to suck while I continued the daily grind. I was waiting. I wanted to get out so badly but I knew that I needed time. And money. 

And so I waited. And waited. And waited.

I attended the NZ Pacific Salsa Congress. Taught salsa. Competed and won 2nd in Nationals for beginner levels. 

During this point in time, I caught up with an old ex of mine and to put it shortly, we decided to give our past relationship a go. After all, we were long distance before and as students, we both did not have the finances nor probably the maturity to pursue this relationship properly. But now, as working adults, we both decided that we will give this a go and make this thing work. 

For those who have read through past blog entries, they would probably also know that I took a spontaneous trip to Malaysia for two weeks to attempt to get to know my ex better (after all, we ever really spent time together in person) and ended up attending a family funeral, going out for spontaneous dinner dates and I ended up spending wayy too much time online while she was at work. This was probably the most amazing 2 weeks this year, minus the funeral, of course. And now, this year, will herald the two of us finally getting together and seeing how that works. Keep eyes out for a new blog address.

The New Year fireworks were mediocre at best, I think. One of my dreams was to be in Paris, standing on the Eiffel tower with my squeeze and watch the 4th of July fireworks. And then I would kiss her and we would gaze romantically into the distance. An "incurable romantic", so says the Redhead. I believe so. I am quite the incurable romantic. And I think that in a world full of cynics, we might benefit from one or two more romantics now, although I could hardly see how that would make things any better. But no, the fireworks weren't impressive, really. It was mild. A lot of explosions, hugs exchanged, lots of "Happy New Years", just the usual. The band played a drunkenly (or so I thought) fast "Auld Lang Syne" while fireworks flashed above us. 

I used to love New Years. 

I really did. 

I used to think of New Year as a "new slate." 

A time to start afresh. Anew. All sins forgiven. Everything forgotten. I could restart again and forget what a bumbling idiot I've been for the past year. All the stupidity and mistakes that I made last year are now gone. In the past. Forgotten. I could start again. The operative here, is "could." I guess its the idea of being given another chance that hits me. I've made too many mistakes, too many "whoopsies", too many things happened that I looked back and wonder what the HELL I was thinking when the thing happened. Whatever it was.

But now, I think New Years is just another day. It really is. Its just another day. Another night and then another day. Some people are busy on New Years, like my sister who works at the casino, part-time. Some are on holiday. And now, for me...its just another day. Another moment. Another year. 

I don't really know what's going to come of this year. I've got my dreams. I've got the things I want to do. And don't want to do. And it all hangs in the balance at the moment. All like leaves on a summer tree, awaiting autumn and a wind to scatter them.

AspiringPerfumer mentioned the other day that I need to sort out my priorities after having a chat about what I wanted in life. And from that discussion, I found out that for a lot of things in my life, I wanted them perhaps but they were kind of all haphazardly arranged somehow and it probably didn't make any sense. So hence, the picture and title above.

I'm still soul searching at present. I'm still trying to figure out what the HELL I hope to do with my life post 2 years working and having a degree. I'm torn between a professional career and one that potentially provides me unsteady income but oh, so much joy and passion. I'm still trying to figure out everything else that probably should have happened during one of those 3 month holidays that I had when I was a student. But I spent it all on working part-time and exams. Good fun while it lasted. That's okay. 

You know, I hope to be able to finish soul searching one day and finally realise what I want in every single aspect of my life. I would like to write it down and paste it on my wall and look at my hopes and dreams and know that I'm getting somewhere with them, rather than just continuing to daydream. I would like to live a life where I'm waking up every morning, passionate about what I do, living my dreams, and where I would pause in a moment of quietness and smile to myself, saying, "This is exactly where I want to be."

I'm falling asleep on the computer now and perhaps, I think I've wrote enough. A sleepy rant dashed out at about 2 in the morning and I only hope it makes some kind of sense.

Good night, world.