Feels like insomnia.

I am awake.

The digital clock on the bottom right hand corner of my screen indicates that the time is 3:36a.m. and here I am. Still awake.

I tried to get some sleep. Earlier. I did. I honestly tried. But I can't.

I hate it when my body is tired but my brain is alert. The brain succumbs to tiredness at the most inconvenient times during the day and DAMN IT cos I'm working til 8p.m. tomorrow night. Oh wait. Tonight.

And......as luck would have it, I have one patient scheduled at 7.30p.m. Whoop dee doo.

I'm not usually the kind of person who wakes up in the middle of the night. Not even for toilet trips. I would sleep like a dead log from the moment my head touches the pillow until I am groggily awoken by my alarm clock.

But here I am. Awake. I hate this.

I am yawning. My body is tired. I want to sleep. Oh, so badly. I really want to sleep.

But lately, its been getting to me. Yes. It's been getting to me.

What is it? Hell if I know.

Yesterday morning, apparently, I gave my boss some attitude, according to one of my colleagues. I thought I had said a particular statement in a non-sarcastic way but apparently, it was enough for him to bring me in for a sit-down chat. To ask me what was going on and whatnot.

Then, there's the good news and the bad news.

The bad news is, as the Boss Man mentions, if I'm that unhappy, I can always leave. And that I shouldn't bring my negativity to work because its affecting everyone else. And apparently, if you've read my previous posts, you know that things aren't looking too fancy around here.

The good news? I might get more days off than I thought. He says that if I need time to think or get things sorted out in my head, maybe even a week away from work might be a good thing.

I say its time that I start using my MC days, then, eh? I've got 14 and maybe I'm panicking and maybe I'm overreacting but shit, its starting to cut into my sleep time. And I hate that.

'Lil Poetess pings me a Facebook message my way with a "wah, u up?" Probably doesn't help that my data plan on my phone is on 24/7 and that I never switch it off. Hence, I think people think that I'm a flipping night owl, switched on all hours of the day.

I have a quick chat with her and decide that since I'm not going to be heading to bed anytime soon, I might as well be a bit productive and write here a little.

Then a little pleasant surprise from the Sociologist with an email about new terms for dance classes. I jump online but she's still lounging in bed. I replied her email with an SOS. Her replies come prompt and quick. And in her wisdom, her questions remain simple and to the point. Her answers to my hurriedly yawned replies, comforting. I hesitate to mention to her that I wish to stop dancing. That in the end, I think I've had enough. I've done it more than a few times. I hope this time when I stop, I stop for good.

I've always had a bit of a love-hate relationship with dance. There are days that I want to throw myself headfirst into it, wanting to drown in the wonder and the unity of rhythm and step and musicality. And there are days that for me, dance is a FSCKING waste of time. I do steps, memorised, churned out, like factory-made products, mass assembled. There's no love, no feeling, no emotions, no passion in the movements, the steps, the songs. And it also doesn't help that the music here played by local DJs planning for salsa is also the worst I've ever heard. Its these moments that I think about my love of dancing and I wonder if I really want to pursue what I long to do - to be a dance teacher/professional dancer. I fear my lack of commitment. And my lack of passion. And what if, in the end, it doesn't work out? Where does that leave me, then?

There has been so much to think about at work, at home, in my own personal life, in the remnants of my life left in the Land of the Long White Cloud, and sometimes, my lackadaisical self cannot keep up with it. I struggle. I do. So many things I need to do. Want to do. HAVE to do. Just a flipping slacker, I guess.

I want to tie up loose ends. The things I am unable to finish, I shall leave it. But the things that I can do while I am still here? It needs to be done.

But oh, so many things to think about. So many things left undone. Insurmountable tasks and I stand at the bottom of the mountain.

And at last, the loving fingers of Morpheus caress my eyelids.

Thanks for reading.