Keep the Faith.

I guess this is an apt description, after all.

Recently, I've been making my foray back into church again. Attended a friend's church and then went to a big mega church here in Merlion City.

Church is okay. Same old same old. The usual "Sing praises to the usual deities, Praise be His Name" kinda thing. What was interesting was the differences between the traditions of my friend's church (totally old school, men sit on one side of the room, ladies on the other, etc.) and the mega church where they had panoramic cameras, live broadcasts all over the country, US, and internet broadcasts. People jumped, raised their hands in spiritual abandon, and clapped loudly when the pastor came on stage.

Yeah. Same old same old.

And coming to the usual source of contention - my job. Oh, what do I do with you?

What DO you do with a job? Do you work for the salary? Do you follow your passion and then miraculously, everything falls into place a la one of those movies where everything will be all right once you follow your heart? Or is it the daily grind where you postpone and you learn to delay instant gratification for the one thing that you know will come to you...or you hope will come to you if you put things off long enough.

I wish I could have a decent, solid, hours long conversation over a hot beverage with someone about my job. I want to spill all and sundry about everything I hate about my workplace. About how I don't think I was meant to be a physiotherapist to begin with. Maybe this blog is the best place to do it. For some reason, even though I keep complaining about it, it seems like it's brand new. I can always come back to this same topic on the blog and it never bores the crap out of me. I hate being that person who whines continuously about my job and I know I'm too much of a coward to back out so quickly. I kinda like my financial stability.

I used to have a friend - this person - who would bore me to tears and technically make me a little depressed after I talked with him on the phone. He would continually whine about his job and how much it sucks and how much he hated his dad who made him stay at home with the family and he didn't want to do that anymore and how he doesn't earn enough and that he can't find a girlfriend and the world sucks ad nauseum. I really don't wanna be like him.

I met up with a friend of mine from 4 years back - awesome woman who had a brain AVM - had a bleed and nearly died - ending up surviving with stroke symptoms all down the left side, decreased sensation, no movement in the left hand but she's so positive and happy that it scares me. I always thought that if I had a stroke or something that left me permanently disabled, I would have committed suicide. But she's content, she's telling me that there's a purpose in her life if she was to have made it back from the brink of death.

She asked me a question repeatedly last night, "Are you living the life you want?"

I paused for a moment, smiled at her, and said, "Yes and no."

When asked to justify why I said what I said, I told her, "Yes, because my dream of teaching dancing has finally come true. No, because I'm still doing something I don't really enjoy and I'm doing it just for the sake of the money." And then she spoke a truth that I probably knew deep down all along but I never chose to acknowledge it.

"When I was able to work, all I thought about was money. On-call, being able to bill the hospital $140 for 10 minutes of work, yeah, why not. But now I'm in this wheelchair, I'm not able to work, it doesn't matter anymore."

She's found God as well in the process. She says that God has been good to her. When she first woke up from the coma she was in, she asked her parents for her Bible. A friend of hers had given it to her and she had put it in her room, without looking at it. Now, all she wanted to do was read it. And she found Him. Didn't get to hear the full story as she said that it would probably take forever but wow. Just wow. Isn't it?

Sometimes, hearing these things just make you believe in Him a little more than a mega church or a traditional white chapel.

And her words still ring in my ears, "Are you living the life you want? Really?"

Jie jie, you are awesome. So good to see you and I hope to see you again when our paths meet. 

Worth v2.0

It's one of those times again.

For some reason, after dance parties or any major dance events that get me all hyped up and excited, the emotional crash afterwards really don't seem to be worth it.

I taught a class today. It was quick, witty (so I thought), and I had heaps of fun. I went for supper afterwards with the usual crew and we had our laughs. And then after that, I came home.

And sitting in the taxi on the ride back, a thought came into mind.

"Maybe all of this isn't worth it."

Maybe if I was to invest my heart and soul into this, it would get torn up, chewed out and spat back in my face. Am I willing to take that risk? To be honest, I'm not sure what I am afraid of. What scares me? If you were to ask me that question, I actually cannot give you an answer at all. This is the hardest I have ever worked for ANYTHING, and yet, I cannot tell you if I am fully dedicated to it.

Dance is going great for me. Got my fattest "paycheck" this week from a combination of the workshop that I taught on the weekend as well as class tonight. I've come up with a dance routine that can potentially become the best choreography I've done in a long while. So many things that I'm looking into. But yet, I'm holding back.

A proverb I used to hold on to quite dearly quoted, "He who hesitates is lost."

This particular phrase got me doing so many things that I would never ever do. Salsa dancing. An impromptu trip to a city for a dance weekend. Buying my $1000 tailsuit. Packing up my life and travelling halfway across the world for a girl I loved and wanted to have a real relationship with.

Starting Ceroc Merlion City.

So many things have happened this year and I remembered bitching previously about how when I was all ready to leave, this happened. All the excitement and commitment into a dance business occurred and I had to make this impromptu decision to stay. When the immigration papers come through for the Girlfriend and myself, I have to decide whether we stay or go. On to our new lives? Do I decide to put down roots here and end up here for good? Is this destiny? What if it isn't? What is right and what is wrong?

Is happiness the benchmark? The end by which all means is acceptable?

*****

I found a piece of myself from 2010 on the Internet the other night. It was an impromptu Google search and a hastily typed in URL which, surprisingly enough, existed. I read the one and only entry that I had written on that particular blog and I remembered the social dance event that we were practising for that morning. It was a chilly morning and the winds had picked up after the rain had stopped. I remembered not thinking about the French Lady when I woke up that morning and that made me smile. I wasn't emotionally drawn to her that much anymore. Every small victory counts, I guess.

My blog always had the title of "Chapter Life - Prologue" as a nod to the fact that I felt that my life has yet to truly begin. And I was not sure when it would. What would I be doing when the moment finally struck, when lightning zapped me from head to toe and I could comfortably write on the blog, "My life has begun."?

On this particular blog, my new blog title was Chapter Life. That's it. Finito. Nothing more than that.

Because for me, this was where my life started. I buzz cut my hair. I got contact lenses from a friend of mine who started up an optometrist shop. I got heavily involved with salsa and earned a 2nd place medal dancing cuban salsa in the National Champs. I was so proud of myself. This was my life. My own choosing. My destiny is shaped by my hands.

And now, I'm here. Has Life begun afresh? Is there now Life - Chapter 2? Is dance going to take over the next decade? Am I going to see the realisation of a dream that took nearly a decade to come into existence?

I don't know, really. But at least at the end of the day, I still know that this destiny is mine to make.

*****

I'm probably a closet voyeur. Yes, Sociologist, I know. Sometimes, I want to put my blog out there, splay it wide like a naked, de-feathered chicken for the world to see. And yet, I am fearful for the fact that I will be criticised. My thoughts torn asunder. My deepest darkest secrets, defaced into oblivion. So I keep typing in the dark, the glow of the keys keeping this blog a secret, only known to a handful that I know will bear this to the depths of a grave.

*****

Once upon a time, my love asked me if I was ashamed of her. She did not exist in my social online world. No mention of her has ever been made, no inkling of her being in my life was ever recorded. Am I ashamed? I don't think so. But the alternative to splay myself like a bloody chicken is for me, not an option.

One day, I won't have to hide in the dark. I may be able to blog publicly. I may be able to share my thoughts and dreams to the world and let the love of my life come into the light.

One day. One day.

Blessings.

I sometimes think of what I'm writing here on this blog and I wonder whether I'm writing for the sake of filling some pages or am I writing this as an outlet - an unleashing of my thoughts and my unspoken words.

I had a chat to the Higher Authorities yesterday and I must admit that it was one of those talks that kept me very happy and enthusiastic about my life here so far.

Personally, I have always wondered whether, if I had pursued a different path, whether or not I would have gotten more "blessings" on it.

Now, that's actually a really Christian thing to say so for some people who are a bit lost about what I'm talking about, let's do a bit of an explanation. It may be a bit simple and probably it's just me who thinks this but hey, to get a better overall picture regarding this blog post, see if this works.

For those non-Christian readers, in Christianity, one really big thing for us if we embark to do something or go somewhere is to get divine approval, hence "blessings." It could be a "go to church and pray that God smiles upon this mission/act/whatever" and that "circumstances will lead you to God's favour."

Now, I'm also of Asian descent and I think it's really important to have the blessings/favour from the parents as well to say that they agree with my decision and that I am going ahead with their well wishes. For Caucasians or people who are probably a bit less traditionally minded and more liberal in their thinking, you may be thinking, "WHATEVER FOR?" Well, here's a new way of doing things so here's a good chance to take some notes.

It could be a luck thing, I guess. Some people have suggested that these well wishes/blessings/favour upon this may be a kind of a chance thing that whatever I am doing will go more smoothly or successfully just because I've got this additional "+10" blessing thing going on. Reminds me of those RPG games where you can change your luck by casting a particular magic spell or get healed by the healer/priest/magic caster unit.

I think it's important, anyway.

This reminds me of a scene out of the old classic, "Fiddler on the Roof" where Perchik asks for Hodel's hand in marriage and he says, "I'm not asking for permission. I'm only asking for your blessing."

I digress.

When I first planned to come to Merlion City in the hopes of a better paying job and a different life outside of WangaVegas, I never really had any particular prior approval on this world-gallivanting adventure. Talking to the Higher Authorities, they were always very skeptical of me moving out of Aotearoa and they wanted me to stay in NZ and do the whole hospital job thing and/or possibly move down to Dunners to be with the family. Any potential talk of Merlion City was "forbidden" and I would be asked to discuss my options within Aotearoa at that point in time.

When the time came, I felt as though I left with a bad taste in my mouth and the ensuing "dissatisfaction" of the folks. They would occasionally talk about how I could leave the country when they just migrated over and how it would be nice to have the family together, la dee da, the usual.

But I was ready for a change. And I wanted something different. I didn't want  to stay in Wangas. I felt that I was rotting away day by day. And as much as I had cuban salsa and I had my room and my comfort zone, I had enough.

So I moved.

It's been a crazy six months.

I spoke to GoofyGirl six months ago. She remembered me from the first time we danced together in 2011 when I first went to the dance workshop with the Ceroc teachers. She asked if I wanted to get involved with the setup of ceroc in Merlion City. We would need to take part in teacher training and then after that, we would be getting it up and running. Scary thoughts.

I discussed with the Higher Authorities regarding this. I was keen but cautious. After all, we're all young and technically, I'd never set up a business before and wanted to just dampen my toes before I jumped in the pool.

And unsurprisingly, there wasn't too much support with the whole dancing career thing either.

Putting down slightly more than a grand and a half was my sign of commitment that I was serious about this. No, I didn't want GoofyGirl to pay for it. The Higher Authorities played the Devil's Advocate. I was upset and frustrated.

And then, at the end of the day, I thought to myself, "Stuff it."

Dancing and teaching dance has always been a hidden passion. I danced, sure, people knew that, but to tell them that I aspire to dance and teach dancing every single day, every single moment? That took guts and a bit more than just lip service.

I transferred the money and told myself that I am going to make the most out of this experience.

And I did. And heck, it's been one hell of a ride.

I've had so much fun since ceroc started up in Merlion City. It's crazy. Tuesdays cut the week in half and I'm waking up on Wednesday morning itching for another session. Too bad there isn't one available. We're having ceroc socials and events and pub crawls and workshops and I've been asked to do my 2nd private lesson along with another lady who wants to improve her technique. How can I NOT enjoy what I'm doing?

Chatting with GoofyGirl recently at a dance party that we were out at recently, she mentioned to me that if ceroc ever made it big and rich in Merlion City and I wanted to quit my job, she would hire me as Dance Director on the spot.

[On that note, though, I did tell the Higher Authorities that I appreciated the fact that they played the Devil's Advocate and that they stopped me back in the day from going out on a limb and starting a dance business stat. I'm no organizer and my work is shoddy. That said, I love dancing and teaching. So GoofyGirl and I are a pretty good team, if I do say so myself.]

I've told the Higher Authorities about the excitement that's coming up out of this and the one thing that they told me, that shook me to my very core, was "Maybe I should take out some money and give it to you to invest in this business."

For me, that was my "blessing." And after a long, soul searching talk with the Sociologist last night, I realised that it's not about luck. Or approval. It's not about getting an unfair advantage over the competition.

It's about knowing you're on my side. Knowing that you've got my back on this. And I guess, that's all I ever wanted.

Man flu down.

So the last few days was fun.

Loungin' around

I spent the majority of my time in my room coping with a b|tch of a flu/fever/cough combo and I visited the doctor 3 times in 5 days. Never have I ever been so keen to see that man.

He initially saw me and in 30 seconds diagnosed me with possible influenza. If my fever did not subside within 3 days, I will potentially have to go back for blood tests, lung scans, and a hospital admission for pneumonia. Woah.

As a health professional, yeah, I know, the common influenza viral strain kills hundreds of thousands every year, but for someone living in an area that has been exposed to all different animal variations of flu as well as SARS, to even whisper the word "influenza" is a flirtation with death itself. Naturally, I was a tad worried. 

Prayers from around the globe flooded in. I baked myself for the first two days, letting myself get incredibly dehydrated which is the worst rookie mistake you can do when you're down with the flu. Get that water in, stat. I just didn't feel like it and plus, I liked the sensation of being cooked slowly under my duvet covers. It's like a sous-vide, just a bit cooler, that's all. 

So I started early (as I am prone to do) on Friday, suffered the worst of it Saturday and Sunday, and recuperated to some sense of humanity on Monday and Tuesday. As of this moment, I feel somewhat reluctantly ready to return to work and be productive. Also, I have at least over a hundie dollars in medical compensation claims to make. I am making them work to have me there. I swear it. 

Talk 'bout taking your health for granted. I thought my garlic pills, 4 litres of water per day and a diet attempting to be less in carbs was helping. Guess I was wrong. 

Well, I'm back to the grind tomorrow. See ya all out there. And watch out for stray flu viruses, ya hear?

Birthdays, dance circles, and other shenanigans.

Quite a bit has happened recently. What with me and the Girlfriend aging a bit less gracefully, dancing helping me celebrate by making me dance with both men and women alike (no, not in that way), dinners, cakes, food, and more food, and oh well. I think I’ll let the pictures do the talking.

 
The Girlfriend hit the BIG 27 years young recently and of course, there was cause to celebrate. Cake, candle, a lovely sponge with crunch little bits on the inside and amazingly light cream ended an overly full Japanese buffet lunch.

As with all buffets, the more people eating, the merrier. So we took along one of the Girlfriend’s work colleagues who probably weighs half my weight but eats like a friggin’ cow. Good times.

 
Thought this quite cute so I plopped it up here.

It’s my 3rd birthday here in Sunny S’pore. I did not think I was going to make it this far for this long. There’s a proverb that I can’t quite grasp at that mentions something about time and perseverance and living life but I can’t really remember it. I keep thinking about the times I talked about hating my job so much and all the little different stresses but to be fair, Merlion City has been kind to me. I’ve enjoyed my stay here and with a few different exciting ventures popping up, I’m hoping that I’ll be able to stay for a little longer.

That said, I’m ending up feeling a little bit restricted. After all, tigers are solitary animals and they travel over large distances to get the space they need. (Click on the link if you lurve reading research articles.)

I like how the light blurs and sparkles in the background here. The Girlfriend is a bit up front and centre but I think she was getting slightly annoyed as I had more than a few false starts and with playing on the manual modes and getting apertures and shutter speed correct, she was like “HURRY UP!” Hence, the bad shot.

And here’s a hilarious video of me doing a dance circle at Ceroc the other night.

Thanks, y’all.

My dearest darling you,

To quote the infamous line from the Joker, "You complete me."

Yes, you.

Today, you turn 27. Today, of all days, 1 hour and 35 minutes after I came out into this world kicking and screaming, it was your turn. You yelled blue murder and your mum cuddled your bloodied body next to hers. 

Quite a picture, isn't it? And here we are. 8 years after I met you at Youth Convention, where I shook hands with you and hated your group of friends for taking away MY group of friends.

It was not a relationship that came easily to mind. No one would ever think that we would get together. A long distance relationship, over time, over many thousands of miles, and somehow, over the last 8 years, we kept it up. Crazy, huh? 

But we have changed. We certainly have.

Oh, we were so naive, both you and I. We were head over heels in love, falling all over each other, saving every single text message and email as though it held the life giving fluid in our veins. (On that note, I wonder why we always referred to it as veins. Maybe because arteries don't sound as romantic. Oh well.) Every goodbye was painful, every hello - a sunrise in a winter trodden world. In between though, there were tears. There were breakups. There were the awkward occurrences where we would talk again. Hesitantly. Not sure if this was the ground to tread this time. Not sure if it was worth it. But we gave it a shot. Again. 

And here we are. 

Sometimes, I wonder why you put up with me. I'm frustrating. Messy. Arrogant to a fault. Careless. Cynical. Sarcastic. Caustic tongued. I speak my mind. I live inside my mind and shell, talking to myself and then blurting out stuff you have never heard of and wonder where it came from. I'm incredibly dirty-minded and sometimes, I'm sure you ponder how much of a pervert I am. I have the fascination with video games and make believe characters that makes you shake your head and mutter, "Boys." I don't always watch your rom-coms with you. We disagree on our different passions. You head to the girlie stores while I am found wandering wide-eyed amongst the newest fangled gadgets and computers. 

So different. And yet, by some miracle (or probably just pure stubbornness), we're here.

I like how we've changed, both you and I. I like how, nowadays, we sit and we discuss things. Adult things. Like rent. Yes, I see you rolling your eyes at me. Or things like getting me to mop the floor today. Or planning exercise programmes to help us both lose some weight. How, back in the day, I would say something and you'd sulk about it for ages and vice versa. Now, we kinda just brush it off and consider it a done deal.

It's been an adventure with you, my love. It really has been. Having you in my world has changed what I thought my life would normally be. It's been great. 

So, darling, I want to say thank you. For putting up with my nonsense, the mess, the FAIL jokes, the occasional snapped remark after a day at work, the hardships that we both have been through. I hope that by hook or by crook, I'll be able to write another post next year for you, celebrating you, and the amazing woman that you are. 

I love you, Michelle.

Love,

Me.

Lucky

I always tell people I'm lucky.

I tell them, "I'm born under a lucky star" or that "When I was born, the stars aligned in the sky and then I'm just been showered upon with luck ever since." For the religious types, I use the oft quoted phrase, "I'm blessed."

But I guess, indeed, I am. 

Yeah, sure I'm a bit disgruntled with where I am in life. I'm still looking for more options out there regarding my career, my lifestyle, where I want to be. I have my sights set on high lofty goals which I am too chicken to do anything about so that's probably why I still have something to blog about. 

But I'm getting to that stage of my life where the damn cursed wanderlust is kicking in again. And perhaps its more than just that, you know? 

Last night, whilst chilling with the Girlfriend during dinner, I found myself in the mood to not do much at all with my current situation. Preferably, I would have liked to have submitted my resignation letter to my current employer and call it a day. However, my common sense of self-preservation decides to deny me that small self satisfactory action by reminding me that there still needs to be a roof over my head and food on my table. A starving tiger cannot be a plump tiger, right?

But you know how sometimes, there must be something more to the current life that you're living in? I 

I really cannot say that I am unsatisfied. 

I'm living in an awesome room, the Girlfriend is a dream come true (save the little squabbles about my levels of hygiene), I have a job that pays me double of what I would usually get working in a normal company/hospital with my level of experience. 

I guess I have to count my blessings more often. 

But you know, I do not think it is as simple as a matter of waking up and thanking the Almighty for the wonderful things. Call me ungrateful, because that is what I probably am. Ingrate. Meh.

Day's coming to an end though. But I'm finding myself being pushed towards the more teeter-y side of the chessboard.

Tootles.