The Internet Eulogy

The numbers flipped. Slowly. The counter started turning lazily, marking the visitors to the site. And it was obviously a small turnout. Not many had signed on to the special live broadcast but it was probably enough. For him, anyway.

Stephen took his time looking at his reflection onscreen via his webcam. Giving himself a toothy grin, he swiped a tongue over his molars just to make sure that his pearly whites were being showcased. He had to look good after all. Today was an important day.

One minute to go, he told himself as he glanced at his watch. Teeth all good, hair in place with ultra-hold gel, the latest breakout on his usually pale complexion covered immaculately with foundation and applied by his sister (who fussed over it as though he was going live on telly, although in a sense, he was), and everything was good to go except for his clergyman’s collar, which he now slotted into his specially prepared clergyman’s costume. A stickler for formality and style, he did not want to appear disrespectful of the digitally dead.

Hm, he thought to himself. Only around 15 people. That’s okay. Smaller crowds tend to have less to say. And I earn more for a shorter funeral. Always the ideal situation.

Going live….in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1……ACTION.

*click*

The pale blue glow of his webcam blinked on as he pressed a button and his solemn face filled a corner of his desktop screen. 15 other anxious faces clung to the edges, staring into their respective webcams, typing in messages of welcome to others as they waved hi and typed small talk.

Stephen cleared his throat and immediately, all faces turned to look at him. He was the only one granted audio access so that everyone could hear him speak and he made full use of this advantage.

“Family and friends, we are gathered here today to celebrate the digital life and the beauty of Internet anonymity. The Internet is a marvelous invention and is definitely one that has brought all of us here together on this lovely but sad day.

“Today, we are mourning the digital death of our brother and friend, Poet.”

Stephen pressed a button and uploaded a blank Facebook page that once belonged to Poet.

Some weeped openly, others held a hand over their mouths, shocked. No Facebook page literally meant a lack of existence in this digital world. Had he dared to go *whispers* off the grid? Unheard of! Absurd!

The messages flew in fast and furious.

Why?
What caused him to do this?
Is there anything that we could have done to stop this?
Where is he now?

Stephen held up a calm hand, trying very hard to maintain composure. He found it incredibly amusing at how hard the guests were taking the news. Back in the day, people disappeared off Friendster or Myspace or Orkut all the time and NO ONE shed a tear.

He cleared his throat again and took a sip of water from a Powerade bottle.

Poet, in his wisdom, has chosen to disappear because of personal reasons. And also because he was spending a bit too much time on Facebook in the mornings, making him late for work.

Some smiled knowingly and nodded, all too familiar with the excuse of “I’m sorry I’m late, I was reading my friends’ updates and I forgot the time…”

He was a good friend to all of us. Apart from his sappy romantic lyrical updates and comments about how good food is in Singapore, dancing, being tagged in random photos and sharing the latest Starcraft II videos, he was often an avid participant in people’s lives, stalking quite severely and possibly violating a few international laws in regards to privacy. That aside, he usually kept to himself and did not do anything that required any special attention from the IT department of the local police station.

“Good times,” one of the guests started writing. “I remember when him and I decided to go hack into another friend’s account and put up pictures of his p–”

And that’s enough, thank you.

“I was just gonna say poodle. Meh.”

Poet was one of those people who sometimes, didn’t quite know when to give up. He used to use Facebook to announce his multiple wins and newly cooked ingredients in Café World but he stopped shortly after, bringing a sigh of relief to many of his friends. He then started putting up Facebook updates regarding dancing and was literally spamming his friends’ walls repeatedly throughout the day discussing the latest bachata song or the newest steps he learnt in ballroom that evening.

His profile pictures were also something to look forward to, when he did remember to upload them. Mostly, they were usually of him pulling some kind of face at the camera or doing things that made him memorable in ways that sometimes weren’t quite necessary. For example, his most recent profile picture showcased a belly underlined by the famous underwear brand, “Renoma.” Other photos have included him making cross-eyed faces at the camera, him in various dancing poses, looking positively criminal, and various dance t-shirts that he enjoys parading online. A classy gentleman to the very end, ladies and gentleman.

But as we all know, good things must come to an end.

A collective “awwwwwww” was picked up by 15 people all typing it in at the same time. Stephen stuck his Powerade bottle into his mouth to hide the smile. These people were phenomenal. Honestly.

And so Poet leaves us, no more to grace his presence on Facebook by announcing what he had for dinner. Although he has decided to make his getaway as quickly as possible, he will still be maintaining his blog meaning those of you who can’t quite get enough of him will be wanting this URL…

Stephen typed it in and it appeared blue and underlined. He could imagine the amount of Ctrl + C and Ctrl + V that was going on as he continued to speak.

...and we will continue to remember Poet fondly in our memories, as a brother, as a friend, as a hacker, as a stalker, and finally, a dancer. From WiFi to 3G mobile networks, megabyte to megabyte. In the name of Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, and the World Wide Web, amen.

For those of you who wish to hack into his old Facebook account, please use this link. And for those who’re after refreshments, go to your own kitchens. This is an online digital funeral, dammit.

Stephen switched his computer off and unloosened his collar. Some people were honestly too much.

@@@@@

For those of you wondering, yes, I am actually contemplating on shutting down my Facebook page. Yes, it is for personal reasons that perhaps, I’m probably not going to share on this blog but I think that perhaps, its about time to go. Especially if there’s one too many people reading into your updates or personal information. But for now, it will remain alive. I might leave a link to my email address just in case people want to get hold of me and I shut the damn thing down.

Another thing that happened today is my failed attempt to try and escape one of those charity persons that try and strike up a conversation with you to part with X amount of money. This time, they weren’t asking for a donation per se. They were looking at me donating monthly via my debit card. I had to get out of there.

Back in good ole’ Aotearoa, I would be able to get loose by putting on a blank expression and speaking rapidly in Mandarin or one of my Chinese dialects and the poor Kiwi fella would have to let me go.

Trying that trick here basically led to them speaking in rapid fire Mandarin that left me in the lurch. I had to shake my head and say, “No Chinese, sorry” and walk away to the calls of “Theese is to hep the chew-ren!” Try and speak in English and they could actually pull off passable or even fluently spoken English. Hence, I need to start speaking and looking Spanish. I might be able to claim a rogue Spanish grandmother somewhere in my ancestry.

[And thank you for those who dealt with reading through “The Internet Eulogy.” It was my attempt to try and write more in response to the Sociologist’s question of “Do you think you’ll write a book someday? I hope you do.”]