Night scribbles.

I guess it's true what they say of night owls and introverts.

In the silence, we speak the loudest. In the solitude, we scream our passions. In the quiet, we live life to the fullest.

During the day, somehow, we are dulled down. Toned down to mere shadows of our former selves, a literal joke of what we could have been if the sun and set and we basked in the glow of our computer screens.

I wished that there was something, a forum or a job site of some sort that catered to people that decide to live and work at night rather than during the day. And I'm not talking about those kinda jobs that is supposed to exist outside of daylight. I'm talking about real jobs. Accountants, lawyers, medical and health professionals, engineers, baristas, restaurants owners and waitstaff that live for the night rather than for the day. We shut off as the sun peeks its head over the horizon and we yawn and rub our eyes as the sun sets and people rush home for dinner.

The night creatures come out to play.

That does sound quite heavenly. And creepy too. I'm not sure which one I like better.

*****

He couldn't stop in time.

As he walked across the road, the bus came careening around the corner. The bus driver looked panicked behind the windscreen, the bus, obviously out of his control and aiming straight down the pedestrian crossing.

With a sickening crunch, human body met at least a good 3 tonnes of steel, perspex, and a good 20 passengers. 

He flew across the street and smacked his head on the lamp post. Funny how a human head feels as soft as an overripe watermelon at 70km/h. Newton's Third Law of Motion was demonstrated as the innards of his skull showered a kid sitting on a bench eating an ice cream waiting for his mummy to pay the ice cream man. 

*****

I should stop dreaming. 

I should wake up and smell the coffee of reality and of bills to pay and of stupid bosses and even stupider managers and of the feeling of being trapped in a job you hate with nowhere to run. 

My two housemates (Korean boys) left Merlion City about 2 months ago. The landlady said that they complained that it was too tough and that they couldn't survive in S'pore. 

Now when did surviving a rough, tough, environment become a rite of passage? "Oh, you have to learn to deal with stupid upper management who do not appreciate your efforts towards the company and if you can't hack it, you're weak, you pathetic p***y." You don't even get a badge at the end of it. Coming away intact with your brain and heart in place is sufficient. 

I didn't sign up for this sh|t. 

*****

Happiness is a trait in short demand nowadays. 

Did you know that the biggest killers in Merlion City are cancers, ischaemic heart disease, pneumonia, strokes, and accidents, poisoning and violence (including suicides?)

In all of these causes of death, I can easily see where stress and the stressors of life and living in this country can quickly take its role in ushering someone to the grave. 

One of the major cellphone service providers here attempted to showcase Merlion City as a happy, spontaneous place to live, where there are smiles in every street corner, a welcoming gesture of goodwill and comradeship amongst all its citizens. This was in answer to a global survey that showed that Merlion City is the least emotional city in the world. The most emotional city is, undoubtedly and proven, to be Brazil. 

The resulting ad showed teenagers breaking out in spontaneous dancing in the subway. Children singing happily in the bus. Strangers offering other strangers a helping hand to cross the road or an umbrella when it started to pour. Random family members dancing on the streets. 

Personally, I would like to take my camera and showcase this country for what it really is. A buzzkill. People on the bus or on the trains are literal zombies. They do not smile, they do not talk. Heads are down focusing on cellphones or tablets, browsing emails or watching tv dramas or playing whatever Facebook game seems to be the fad of the day. 

And sadly, I'm one of them. 

I'm no different from any of the other zombies. 

*****

So that's all, folks. A job interview and early morning work beckons tomorrow. 

Self-loathing.

I'm in a self loathing mood again.

I don't really know why I get into these moods. I like to blame it on introversion. It's kinda cheating and saying that I am depressed because my inherent nature makes it so but I think it has a huge part to play in this kind of see-sawing mood that I get myself into.

It happens after every single dance night. Every single dance party. I have a good time somewhere and then I come home, unknowingly mad at myself that I had a good time. Am I restricting myself from having a good time? Is it a bad thing that I want to have a good time but yet, I'm inwardly sabotaging myself? And why on earth would I voluntarily do that to myself? Set myself up for failure?

I dance and dance and have an amazing time and then I hate myself for it.

Time and again, I wonder whether it's worth pursuing this. Maybe they are better off without me. Maybe they would be doing better if I wasn't in the picture.

I wonder, sometimes, about my self-arrogance. I tell myself all the time that I'm an integral part of a team, that I'm part of something bigger than myself. And that's something I tell myself everyday. I wonder if what I really am afraid of is the fact that the words I tell myself on a daily basis is actually a lie. A big fat comforting lie. I want to hear that I am wanted. Needed. Validated. And yet, at the end of the day, I'm cringing because deep down inside, there's a part of me that believes that I'm lying to myself and that it isn't true.

What part of lying do I not understand? Funny, 'cos I lie all the time.

It's too late for thoughts like these. It's too late to want to think about things like these.

It's all or nothing, I tell myself. I keep telling myself that I'm this kind of guy. I am either all in or I am so far out of your universe. I don't play in halves. I'm either in or out and that's that.

But I know that if I pull away, I'm gonna miss it. And yet, if I continue to stay in the game, there'll be repeated moping posts on the blog. What the hell right?

Sigh. Never mind...

Scrambled...pieces.

I suddenly realised the reason why I used to blog so much.

It's because I used to be on my own so much. I was so used to living this life where yeah, I had a girlfriend overseas but apart from that, I was on my own. I had my friends, I had my family, and we'd talk but there were the glorious days where I would wake up and I would not say a word for the entire day. Bliss much?

Alone @ the beach

I could literally go on for days. There were weekends where I drew my curtains and shut myself in my room, gaming in the glow of the computer screen, playing my music out loud and fast, booming from my speakers. I would step outside my room to grab food or fry an egg or throw something that resembled dinner together and then I'll scurry back into my room again. I'd be a virtual bum for 48 hours and then I'd shave and attempt to look presentable for Monday morning work.

Solitude. It sounds amazing. Not to many but to me, it's something I crave for from time to time. The ability to disappear. Wander around, lost in the faceless crowd that is S'pore on a weekend in a shopping mall, and bask in my anonymity. [That said, I'm probably watching too many spy movies.]

The world seems to move slower when I'm on my own. 

I get lost in myself. Something I don't do very often now. There's too many things to read and see and do and I think I'm probably neglecting myself just a little. 

I miss letting my imagination run. I really do. 

* * * * * 

He's on the bus today.

There's usually this Japanese couple who sit right behind me whenever I get on the No.111 bus. They'll be chattering away in Japanese and she'll lay her head on his shoulder as he looks out the window, one arm draped around her shoulders. 

He's alone today. I take my seat across the aisle from him, dumping down my bag and adjusting the air conditioning.

He's looking out the window, gazing into nothing. His headphones are on. His head bobbed very gently but whether it was the bus or his playlist, I couldn't say. 

As I plugged my own earphones in, his phone rang and he slowly pressed the receive button on his headset. 

"Yes?" 

This was the first time I heard him speak English. Oddly stunted, thick with a Japanese accent. 

"Yes, thank you." His voice broke a little, twisting the "you" into a "yeah." "I'm not doing too good."

His shoulders start heaving, very gently. He blinks rapidly, quickly passes a hand over his eyes and he sniffs. He looks around, wary that he was about to lose it in public. I turn my head, giving him his visual sense of privacy. 

"I miss her too."

The sniffs are muffled by his sleeve as he buries his face for a few seconds. He shudders and then picks up the receiver. "We will be at the Assembly of God church at 9a.m. Saturday morning. I hope you can make it." 

Silence, his head bowed, as though in prayer. And then, a short, "Thank you. Thank you again." 

And then he ends the call. 

Our eyes meet and his are red. He smiles a sad smile and shuffles off the bus as the doors swoosh open. 

* * * * * 

*the above story is all part of my imagination. Really. The man was there today and the lady wasn't and I thought he looked a bit sad and then the creative side of my brain took over. 

To be introverted.

It doesn't take much to diagnose who or what I am. Not that much, anyway.

I'm quiet, reserved, appreciate my sense of humour and a small, intimate gathering of people.

I do not always appreciate large crowds, a lot of things happening at once, having to interact with people that I am not familiar with, getting it of said comfort zone, and necessarily learning something new.

Funnily enough, I enjoy being in the limelight, admired, praised, exalted (heh), and all that. But at the end of it all, leave me alone with my cup of coffee/tea/hot choccie. I do not feel the need to talk to you.

So when this popped up in an acquaintance's Google + update, I had to read it. And I heartily agree.

The Higher Authorities have always commented that I was very particular and fussy about my personal preferences. Yes, it's true, I do like things just so and Heaven help you if you decide to make me break my stride. I guess there isn't anything too major about me though.

I'm not the kind of person who craves heaps of attention or needs to be left alone just because. I can actually meet people for lunch or hang out for the sake of it. Apples and oranges, perhaps?

Anyway, from a tech update side of things, there's now a dedicated official Blogger app for those of you on Android. There's been mixed reviews about it although it seems like the majority of people like it so far. And this blogpost is written on phone so for those of you interested in blogging on the go, this might work out for ya.

Holidays are ending and I'm heading back to Merlion City in two days time. Was just getting comfortable in not working. Lol.

Tootles.